A Very Public Tanning Session

I like to quote the greats.

John Kennedy dropped a great one about blame right after the Bay of Pigs about success having lots of fathers and defeat being an orphan.

Krusty the Clown came up with another, while the bored "Simpsons" t-v clown was dispatching an autograph seeker hell-bent on telling a life story: "Hey, good luck with that."

It's he of the greasepaint and bulbous nose who's words fit in the case of Channel 12 morning news anchor Caroline Lyders, who is outed as one of "American Idol" winner Taylor Hicks' female buds.

"Yes, Taylor and I are friends," Lyders told OnMilwaukee.com, "and as a journalist I respect your asking. But beyond that, I'd rather not comment on my personal life."

Insert clown quote here.

I respect privacy as much as the next guy. Just because someone is dating one of the biggest names in pop culture doesn't mean she has to dignify every detail, but it's naive to think that she's defused the gossip herd by asking for a little space.

I'm still waiting for my callback from Ms. Lyders' boss--all references about what's going on with Hicks were being deferred to 12's News Director as of Wednesday morning. The message light on my desk phone wasn't blinking when I got here at 2:30 a.m. Thursday.

What Ms. Lyders does away from the anchor desk is certainly her business. That ends, sadly, when one is being squired by one of the most famous men in music.

There's a huge gossip beast that needs to be fed every day to satisfy we lifeless worker-bees who have nothing else to do but wonder who's lap Lindsay Lohan threw up into last night. It's a huge industry, and Hicks is one of its key cogs.

Ms. Lyders won't have to say word one about what's happening between her and Hicks because, rest assured, the rest of the world will be saying it for her.

Every move will be documented, and there'll always be a camera somewhere--Exhibit A: the Hawaiian beach shots of Hicks and the local morning news anchor that are now the wallpaper of untold Lyders' fans in Milwaukee.

I found out about the Lyders/Hicks situation without so much as lifting a finger--a buddy called and directed me to the website, where the whole sand caper was there for the world to see, just needing someone to add the caption with the names.

Ms. Lyders' own station deals in this sort of thing--coincidentally, right after the 6:00 news. It's a little venture called "Entertainment Tonight", and it does quite well in the ratings. How soon before Mary Hart and company are breathlessly reporting about "the blond in the bikini at Taylor Hicks' elbow in Hawaii"?

No one would care if Hicks worked second shift at Ladish or was doing oil changes at the local Quick Lube.

He doesn't, though. His fame means his life is an open book--the guy won't be able to go to the restroom without someone from a tabloid checking to see if he washed his hands on the way out. Or, go to the beach without someone taking pictures. Sadly, those who bask in his afterglow are doomed to the same treatment.

Hey, good luck with that.