Hints For The Horsehide-Challenged...

So now we're ALL Brewers fans, huh?

That's great. Winning baseball games does that for a franchise and we who've suffered through Izzy Alcantara and Randy Ready are more that willing to share a Miller Park seat next to someone who thinks the Brewers just got to Milwaukee last month.

That said, there are some things the newbies need to know.

--The "wave" sucks. And, if you're going to do it, at least have the smarts to roll it out during a dead-spot, not when the game is about to turn. If you want to "wave", wait 'til September and go to Madison. It's a big hit at Wisconsin football games and the fact the students are so into it makes it almost cool.

Almost.

--Kill the cellphone. I don't want to hear you making post-game plans with your buddies, trying to do business during a day game, or, worst of call, trying to find out where another knot-headed pal with too many extra minutes to burn is sitting in the ballpark. If you're really that good of friends, you'd probably be sitting next to each other or at least talking out the seating arrangements ahead of time. If he wasn't worth inviting to the game in the first place, he's not worth ruining my enjoyment of the contest now.

--Lastly--never, ever say the phrase, "Boy, this game is REALLY going fast!"

I covered a handful of games in the course of my broadcast career, and had press box privileges on a few occasions. A sure way to be ostracized by veteran baseball scribes, reveal yourself as an idiot, and be shunned by anyone who knows the game is to remark how rapidly the day's/night's proceedings are moving along. It's the baseball equivalent of Nellie Connally saying to JFK, "You can't say Dallas doesn't love you, Mr. President!" as their limo rolled into Dealy Plaza in November of '63.

It's a sure way to bring the game to a screeching halt. It's usually uttered around the fourth or fifth inning when it appears that, yes, if things continue at their present clip, you'll be home in time to see "CSI". The newbie's math is dead-on, but the logic is tragically flawed.

National League games don't really start until about the fifth or sixth, after the starter's been on the bump for a while and the hitters have had a few cracks at him. Adjustments are made, the offense usually starts kicking in and the runs start piling up. With that come pitching changes, and thus, much slower proceedings. There's a reason they put the sausage race where they do--it's to keep the marginal fan in his/her seat as the process comes to a near-crawl.

Keep these simple suggestions in mind, and you'll not only enjoy the game more yourself, you'll also come off as someone who knows the difference between John Jaha and Jeffrey Leonard. You'll look like a fan who remembers the halcyon days of Bill Wegman and Dicke Thon...Jeff Cirillo's first Milwaukee tour of duty...and the local anchorwoman who Brewers outfielder Darryl Hamilton married (Shaun Robinson, who's now a big-time LA entertainment reporter).

I'll continue to publish suggestions as the season progresses--let me know if there are any I missed at mueller@wkti.com. And, let's hope the good times keep rolling this summer--newbies at the ballpark are a sure sign of baseball success.