I Think The Talkies Are Catching On...A Mope's Oscar Picks

Here's what'll happen with the Academy Awards:

• Lots of bad, bad t-v from Joan Rivers and no-talent daughter Melissa (what does this Queen of the Lucky Sperm Country Club do the other 364 days of the year?).


• The Oscars will end before midnight, but the post-awards fashion analysis on E! may run on into next year's Golden Globes.


• The Best Looking Woman on the Red Carpet That A Man Will Never Have: Portia DiRossi.


• Best Actress: One of the two from "Babel" (just playin' the odds, since I haven't seen most of the films in this category.


• Leading Actress: Helen Mirren/"The Queen." Duh.


• Supporting Actor: Djimon Hounsou/"Blood Diamond." Oscar loves this kind of story and he was awesome. I've heard good things about Jackie Earle Haley/"Little Children" from our producer/movie savant Gino, and could be a surprise winner.


• Best Actor: Forest Whitaker/"The Last King of Scotland."


• Best Picture: "Letters From Iwo Jima." Sorry, Marty. We can't turn back the clock to give you props for the films you SHOULD'VE won for in the past, and "The Departed" simply isn't your best effort (or, the best of the nominees). In fact, I think "Blood Diamond" and "Children of Men" should be in, with "The Queen" and "Little Miss Sunshine" out.